Dear Doctor Workaholic:

I'm marrying a workaholic.  What is the best way to deal with this and keep a happy home at the same time.  I don't want our relationship to be the last thing on the list?

Dear Last on the List: 
I just know you are not one of those people (usually women) who think their spouse will get better once they get married, they'll be able to mold them into this new being.  What you see now is as good as it is EVER going to get - from my experience.  If he cancels dates at the last minute because of work commitments, you'll spend a lot of time at home alone after the marriage.  If he doesn't open your car door now because his mind is on work, he won't open it after.

 

Having opened on that negative note (smile - facing reality is a good thing) you need to demand NOW before the wedding that you will be a part of his life.  There is a job description to life, as there is to work.  And to do a good job you have to do all the parts of your job description at least adequately - some better than others, but none can rate a poor.  So make sure you have that verbal commitment (Dr. Phil might say write it down, and sign it, but I find that a bit confrontational personally).  On the other hand, pre-marital agreements are not uncommon for the well-to-do, and this is nothing more than that.  "Here's what I think life will be like with you.  Does this fit with your picture of our married life?  If not, what is your picture." 

 

I will say again, when you buy a car the best time to get the extras is BEFORE you sign for the car.  Once you sign you're done.  No different. 

 

What YOU have to do is agree with him that you understand he loves to work (needs to work, needs the money, would love to take the day off but too much to do, whatever) and so you won't often expect him to sit and watch tv.  But, right now the two of you enjoy "whatever" and you expect to do those things after you get married as well.  And you expect that when you go on vacation he won't have his laptop out by the pool (or in the room while you're at the pool) though you would understand him checking e-mails each night (kind of thing).

 

And what HE has to do is agree that he will remember that the most important thing in his life is you.  He won't work where he works in a few years, few do, so that's not most important.  Kids are not most important.  Parents are not most important.  The person you will spend your life with is most important.  You don't expect him to be perfect, nor give up work.  But you expect to have a balanced lifestyle so that you don't become the statistical norm and get divorced.  He is your potential future ex-husband, and don't forget it, either of you.  Why should you be different?  Most people who get married get divorced.  The ones that don't (except those who live a life of misery together) are workaholics about work and also workaholics about their home life. 

 

I hope that gives you something to think about and helps. 

 

Like they say about job interviews, "that is as good as they are likely to look."   

 

All the best.  I am a big fan of marriage, wouldn't be a good single person.  Enjoy the wedding and the rest of your life.

 

Ed Manley, CW

"Dr. Workaholic"

 

Warning label - I am not a real Doctor, have no special training in marriage counseling, except in the school of life.  I have degrees but not in this.  So take the advice for what it is worth, and don't sue me if it wasn't worth anything - smile.