One Legacy You Don't Want
To Pass On -- Workaholism

(Note first part of the article deleted at the request of the subject of that section).  Workaholic parent can have trouble sorting the good from the bad. Ed Manley's kids, now adults, have told him they appreciated the benefits his hard work brought the family, he says. He always acknowledged that he worked harder than other people, studying for college degrees or running charity projects while working full-time. But it wasn't until his daughter, Debbie Szymchack, was in her 30s that she confronted him with evidence that his workaholism had hurt her.

At a family birthday party, Ms. Szymchack, Traverse City, Mich., recalled a memory: During long stretches of her childhood, she says she told him, "all I ever saw of you was the back of your head, sitting at your desk studying for college."

It was a moment of truth, says Mr. Manley, Las Vegas, who now heads a trade association; "what Debbie said to me really stuck with me." When he was working, he adds, "you don't think about the fact that your kids are thinking, 'Is my dad ever going to come over here and talk to me or hug me?' " Ms. Szymchack says she struggles with her own workaholic tendencies, trying to limit her hours on her management job and to be present with her two children.

Different children react differently to the presence of a workaholic parent. Some imitate the parent and strive, unconsciously, to outdo their mother or father by working even harder. Others rebel, withdrawing into a teen culture that offers plenty of alternative values, including rejecting achievement.

Karen Locke, who describes herself as a recovering workaholic, has seen her two children react in opposite ways. Her moment of truth came after a stretch of working very hard on her job as a teacher and a variety of community causes, including a failed effort to start a charter school. Feeling neglected, her son actually celebrated when the school project failed; "I never want to hear the word 'charter' again," she says he told her. Ms. Locke soon joined a 12-step group, entered therapy and stopped working so hard.

Several years later, Ms. Locke, Minneapolis, says it's tough to watch her teenage daughter bring home impossible amounts of homework, then drive herself to exhaustion trying to finish. When Ms. Locke urges her to set realistic goals, she is pained to hear her daughter reply, "I just have to stay up later, that's all."

On the other hand, her son, now in his 20s, has responded by embracing "an 'I'm not going to do that' style," Ms. Locke says. "He's just going to enjoy life." He has enrolled in junior college and is taking courses at a measured pace.

Overcoming the effects of parental overwork is a long, slow process. Ms. Cornelius, Jeffersonville, Ind., counsels her daughter to fit some fun into her schedule. "I try to tell her that having a balanced life was the most important goal," she says.

Mr. Manley has taken up helping other workaholics. He has started a free Web site, Workaholic.org, where he fields letters to "Dear Dr. Workaholic."  One of his first pieces of advice, he says, is always, "Your kids are going to remember this."