This is all very funny, but I can assure you, life as a 'real' workaholic is not fun. I worked 12-hour days, seven days a week. On several occasions I did not go home, but spent the night at work, behind my computer. Whenever I finally went home, I felt an overpowering sense of guilt, so much that I would go back to my desk. I nearly lost all, because I could not love my children and I felt resentfull that they kept me from my work. The same with my wife, and after nearly 25 years of marriage full of broken promises that 'I will be home on time' etc., she was ready to throw in the towel. I had to reach my rock-bottom, just like an alcoholic self-destructs through alcohol, I was self-destructing through work (and never really getting anywhere). What I did was join a 12-step program, based on the 12-step program of A.A. The last 4 years has seen an enormous improvement in my life. I have my family back, and even though I still feel guilty about going home on time (its now just after 6 and I am still at work), I am doing a lot better now. What I miss at your site is a serious discussion of this terrible affliction, and a 12-step program that may help many others as it has helped me. 

Dear Real Workaholic: 

    On our site I mentioned that if it was a more serious discussion you wanted you should go to Workaholics Anonymous which has some pretty heavy material on the subject, as do 90% of the sites I’ve noted. 

     I'm not qualified to hold a serious discussion of the subject.  I'm a person who works way too much, always have, and whom people would call a workaholic.  I don't need 12 steps (or maybe I do) but I need some memory joggers to say I work too much, and I need some ideas and thoughts on how to talk myself into not feeling guilty if I leave early (like everyone else).  So I'm writing for the many folks like me.  And I think if I had some humor sitting around the office (i.e. the Survival Kit) that maybe people will comment and make me feel dumb enough for working so much that I'll go home, at least sometimes, earlier.  

And, I'm proud of all that I've accomplished while I was working too darned hard, and so I'm proud in a sense to be noted as a workaholic.  And many people are looking to hire a workaholic (aka very hard worker). 

And finally I would say that what some see as being a workaholic, is actually situational avoidance - in other words, they don't want to be at home, so they stay at work.  Safer, easier and more fun to stay at work than to go home and face the pain in the butt.  Better to get up early and rush off to work than face the grumpy morning attitude. 

Best wishes and congratulations on the huge strides you have made in your life.  Super good for you AND your family. 

p.s. – I received this follow-up from “Real Workaholic” and I think it is equally as wonderful as his original note.

Thank you for your reply. I have found the W.A. site, and I agree. We all could do with a bit of humor.  Our meetings are not that gloomy. Maybe the middle path is the ideal, a balanced mix of humor and serious stuff (like 12-step stuff). 

That made me think about what this program is all about, balance. I was proud of my accomplishments too, up to the point where my life disintegrated. I still insisted there was nothing wrong with me, I did my work, I had my degrees to give me 'value', I was OK, that's my denial. It was all 'somebody else’s fault. My employer, my kids, my wife, the people I worked with, if only they would change...They did not understand. They were WRONG..  Denial is a strong force. It’s so easy to convince ourselves.

I don't think a balanced employer is keen to hire a true workaholic, unless that employer is suffering from one or more compulsions himself. Sooner of later that affliction is going to destroy the person within, just like alcohol destroys an alcoholic over time.  Just the 12 steps are not going to make anyone well. It is living the steps, and the slogans, that makes the difference. The first step tells us we are powerless. No matter how much we work, there is always more to do. We admit that our lives have become unmanageable. We felt that we were 'not enough', not at home or at work. Step one just asks of us to admit that, to push back the denial. We can only do what we can, and that is enough. That goes for working the steps too. 'Let go and let God' is one of our slogans. Its just the 1st step in another form. 

I had serious problems with step 2, where we ask a power greater than ourselves to restore us to sanity. I had no problem with the last bit, I could see the insanity in my life trying to be everywhere at the same time, trying to do it all. I had problems with the 'power greater than myself' bit. That was a tough one for a dedicated workaholic like me, to admit that there was a power greater than myself. Through meetings, lots of patience and love from other members, after about 6 months I came to believe that, if there was a force that tossed me about between 'not enough time at work' and 'not enough time at home', that there might also be a force for the good that would grant me 'the serenity'. That was a turning point in my life. I now start each day with step 3, turning my life over to a power greater than myself. 

Thank God my wife (alcohol abuse) and I have broken that spiral. There is a very good parable in an Alanon book about 2 people climbing out of 'rock bottom' on the same ladder. If the one on top slips, they both fall down. The one on top has a soft landing. That is how it was with us. We now each climb our own ladders, and if we slip, we hurt ourselves. Then we can dust off, and start climbing again. We never fall all the way to the bottom now. When we fall, we know we tried to rely own our own strength instead of God's, make ammends and get on with life. We are not perfect, I still expect to much of myself. At least I am aware of when I do it, and the overall quality of my life has improved. Even the way I drive has changed dramatically. I am still proud of what I accomplished, but when I look at how much I lost in the process, I think that there are smoother paths to accomplish the same results. We cannot change the past, and I don't need the past any longer as an excuse for who I am today.

I am familiar with what you say about feeling guilty. I felt guilty about going home from work and not being at home enough with my wife and kids. It was all contradictory. From 1989 to 1992, I was lecturing at a university. There too, I did everybody else's work. It got to a point where my own students were suffering because I was not at my own place much. The same people who complained that I was not there for my students, were the people who demanded that I help them with their work. That is a boundary issue. I had no idea what boundaries were, having grown up in a family that had no concept of boundaries. In the program I learned that boundaries are not walls. I operated in extremes, I either had no boundaries or I built walls. Boundaries are flexible and keep other people out of my mind. I do not allow anyone to manipulate me with guilt. I learned to say NO.