Dear Dr. Workaholic,

Following my divorce, I am in a new relationship for about 10 months.  I’ve had some of my happiest moments and deepest darkest secrets with this guy.  Here's the tricky part.  His work is project based and takes him all over North America, and yes he's a workaholic.  He's on a project now - on the other side of the continent.  Just recently, I got a "dear John" saying that he knew he couldn't give to our relationship and it was taking too much of his time at work and he needed to focus 100% on the job.  He LOVES his job and sees doing this type of work for the next 3-5 years at which time he thinks he'll be ready to move on.  But I think the next job would be just as consuming.

Can this type of relationship work - am I crazy to tell him I'm here when you get here (provided I'm not waiting forever) but right now I'm really content with the way things are....I need time to work thru the divorce and get on my feet again.  I just like knowing that one day he and I will be together.  It may take a few years - but we both have that same goal.

I totally love what he does - I love hearing about his work - when he calls.  I admire and respect him and I have my own life and career.  I want a partner but I want to be independent too.  How do I get it across to him that we can make it work - if this is just temporary the time apart is good...I am happy with the ways things are.

Dear Waiting But Not Dormant - Well I think you are right on the money all the way around.  You do need time to get through your divorce and settle out before you really decide to go forward with another commitment.   On the other hand, I believe strongly in the window of opportunity and you need to be ready to jump when it goes by or it may not be by again.  Your window has just approached but you can see there is another window down the road and so you can bide your time.

I'd just tell him exactly what you told me, and I admire your independence.  Let him know it is OK for him to work like he is.

I don't call him a workaholic, I call him a person who has a lot on his plate and he is loving what he is doing and he just has a ton of stuff to do to get the job accomplished.  To me, a workaholic is someone who is at work, but there's nothing to do, he's just making up stuff.  So, who knows, but if he's being productive and getting ahead, all the folks I know have to work 60 hours a week or more to really get ahead.  There is one thing to look for and that is the "relationship avoidance" reason to go to work.   For some “workaholics,” life is just more pleasant at work than at home.